How do I break unhelpful habits?

How do I break unhelpful habits?

Understanding why you do something is often more useful than repeatedly telling yourself to stop.

Most of us have habits we would rather not have. Some are relatively harmless: checking our phones when we should be concentrating, putting off an awkward task or reaching for something to eat when we are not particularly hungry. Others have a more significant effect on our work, relationships, health or performance.

We usually recognise these habits for what they are. We know they are not helping, and we may have tried to change them several times. Yet, when the familiar situation arises, we find ourselves doing much the same thing again.

This can be frustrating, particularly if we regard ourselves as disciplined, capable people. We might manage complex responsibilities at work, train regularly for sport and deal with difficult situations quite effectively, only to struggle with a habit that seems comparatively trivial.

The temptation is to conclude that we lack willpower or need to be more determined.

Sometimes, a firmer decision is necessary. But if determination alone were enough, most of us would have sorted out our unwanted habits years ago.

A more useful starting point is to understand how habits develop, what keeps them going and what you can do to change the pattern.

Why do we keep doing things we know are unhelpful?

Habits develop partly because the brain learns to associate particular situations with particular responses. When a behaviour is repeated in a familiar context, it can become increasingly automatic. We no longer need to give the same thought to what we are doing.

This is generally useful. Imagine having to consciously work through every movement involved in driving a familiar route, making a cup of tea or tying your shoelaces. Life would become rather laborious.

The difficulty is that automatic behaviour is not necessarily helpful behaviour. The brain learns what we repeatedly do, not what we would ideally like to do.

Suppose you feel uncomfortable about a task at work. You open your email instead, find something easier to deal with and experience a little relief. The original task remains unfinished, but the immediate discomfort has diminished. The next time a similar task appears, checking your email may become an even more likely response.

A pattern has developed. The uncomfortable task acts as a trigger, avoidance becomes the behaviour, and short-term relief helps reinforce it.

The same basic principle can apply to other habits. You feel tense and reach for your phone. You become frustrated and react sharply. You worry about making a mistake and delay making a decision.

In each case, the behaviour may provide some immediate benefit, even if the longer-term consequences are unhelpful.

This is an important distinction. We often focus on what a habit is doing to us, without considering what it is doing for us in the moment.

If a behaviour helps you escape discomfort, reduce uncertainty or feel better temporarily, that immediate effect may help explain why it persists. Recognising this does not excuse the behaviour. It gives you a more useful starting point for changing it.

The science behind habitual behaviour

Research into habit formation supports the idea that repeated behaviours can become linked to the contexts in which they occur.

In a well-known study, Phillippa Lally and colleagues (2010), published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, examined how people developed habits through repeating a behaviour in a consistent context. The researchers found that automaticity generally increased with repetition, although the rate of development varied considerably between individuals and behaviours.

One finding is particularly relevant: missing one opportunity to perform a behaviour did not materially affect the overall habit-formation process.

This matters because people often treat a lapse as evidence that they have failed. They break a new routine once, conclude that they have lost momentum and abandon the whole attempt. The research offers a more sensible interpretation. Consistency helps, but perfection is not a requirement.

Research also suggests that habits are influenced by the environment in which they occur. In a review published in Health Psychology Review, Wendy Wood and Dennis Rünger (2016) examined the processes involved in habitual behaviour, including the role of repetition, contextual cues and automatic responses.

Their work helps explain why changing an intention is not always enough. You may genuinely want to behave differently, yet continue to respond automatically when the familiar circumstances arise.

If you want to break an unhelpful habit, you need to consider more than your intention to stop. You need to understand the conditions that make the behaviour likely in the first place.

Stop treating every habit as a test of willpower

Willpower has its place, but relying on it to manage every unwanted behaviour can make change unnecessarily difficult.

Imagine deciding to stop checking your phone during work. You put it beside you, tell yourself to concentrate and get on with the job. For a while, it works. Then a difficult email arrives, your attention wanders and, almost without thinking, you reach for the phone.

You now have two things to contend with: the original task and the effort involved in resisting a familiar behaviour.

A better approach is to change the conditions that make the habit easy to repeat. Put the phone in another room. Turn off unnecessary notifications. Decide when you will check messages rather than leaving the decision open every few minutes.

You have not become a more disciplined person overnight. You have simply made the unwanted behaviour less convenient.

The same principle applies to habits involving thinking and emotional responses. If you regularly become defensive when somebody questions your judgement, it is not enough to promise yourself that you will remain calm next time. You need to recognise the circumstances that trigger the reaction and practise a different response.

This is where I think a practical understanding of human behaviour matters. We often know what we want to change. What we have not necessarily worked out is how to make that change more likely when our usual triggers appear.

Understand what triggers the habit

Before trying to change an unhelpful habit, spend a little time observing it.

What tends to happen immediately beforehand? Where are you? Who are you with? What are you thinking or feeling? What do you gain from the behaviour, even if only for a few moments?

These questions can reveal patterns that are otherwise easy to miss.

For example, you might discover that you procrastinate most when a task is poorly defined, rather than when you are busy. Perhaps you become irritable when you feel that your competence is being questioned. Or perhaps you repeatedly abandon a new routine when progress is slower than you expected.

Each situation suggests a different way forward.

If procrastination is triggered by uncertainty, clarifying the first step may help. If criticism triggers defensiveness, practising a pause before responding may be more useful. If frustration with slow progress causes you to give up, you may need to change how you judge progress in the first place.

Without this understanding, you can spend a great deal of effort trying to correct the wrong thing.

A simple way to investigate a habit is to record three things each time it occurs: what happened beforehand, what you did and what happened immediately afterwards.

Do this for a few days without trying to judge yourself. You are gathering information, not preparing evidence for the prosecution.

The aim is to identify the pattern that connects the situation, your response and its consequences.

Replace the behaviour rather than simply removing it

One of the difficulties with trying to stop a habit is that it leaves a gap.

If you habitually check your phone whenever work becomes uncomfortable, what are you going to do when that discomfort appears and the phone is no longer available? If you tend to react angrily when frustrated, what response will you use instead?

Simply telling yourself not to do something does not provide an alternative.

It is often more useful to decide in advance what you will do when the familiar trigger occurs.

For example:

When I notice myself putting off a difficult task, I will work on it for five minutes before deciding what to do next.

When somebody challenges my opinion, I will ask a question before defending my position.

When I notice myself dwelling on a mistake during sport, I will bring my attention back to the next action.

These alternatives need to be realistic. They should give you something specific to do at the point when the old behaviour would normally take over.

Research into implementation intentions supports this approach. In a 1999 review published in American Psychologist, Peter Gollwitzer examined how forming specific if–then plans can help people translate intentions into action.

The basic principle is straightforward: decide what you will do when a particular situation occurs, rather than relying on yourself to work it out at the time.

An intention such as I will stop procrastinating is vague. A plan such as If I catch myself avoiding the report, I will open it and complete the first section before checking email gives you a clear response to practise.

It will not guarantee success, but it reduces the amount of decision-making required in the moment.

Pay attention to the thoughts that keep habits going

Not all unhelpful habits involve an obvious physical action. Some are patterns of thinking that repeatedly influence how we feel and behave.

You might assume that a difficult conversation will go badly, interpret a mistake as evidence that you are not good enough, or repeatedly revisit a decision because you are uncomfortable with uncertainty.

These patterns can become habitual too.

The problem is that thoughts often feel convincing simply because they are familiar. We can repeat the same interpretation so frequently that we stop questioning whether it is accurate or useful.

This is where cognitive behavioural approaches can be helpful. Cognitive behavioural therapy, or CBT, examines the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviour, and uses structured methods to identify and change unhelpful patterns.

For example, someone who avoids speaking up in meetings might believe that making a mistake will damage their reputation. Avoiding the meeting discussion reduces their anxiety in the short term, but also prevents them from discovering whether their prediction was justified.

The avoidance can therefore maintain the original fear.

Changing the pattern might involve examining the evidence behind the prediction, considering alternative explanations and gradually practising speaking up in situations where the risk is manageable.

The aim is not to replace every negative thought with a positive one. It is to develop a more accurate and flexible response.

My work as a clinical hypnotherapist and mindfulness teacher draws on a similar practical concern: helping people recognise habitual responses and develop alternatives that are more useful to them. Hypnotherapy may be appropriate for some difficulties, but it is not a universal solution, and the most suitable approach depends on the problem being addressed.

What matters is that you understand the pattern you are trying to change rather than assuming that every unwanted behaviour has the same cause.

Expect discomfort, but do not mistake it for failure

Changing a habit can feel uncomfortable, particularly when the behaviour has been serving a purpose.

If you usually avoid difficult conversations, having one may initially increase your anxiety. If you habitually seek reassurance before making a decision, acting without it may feel uncomfortable. If you react immediately when frustrated, pausing may feel unnatural at first.

That discomfort does not necessarily mean you are doing something wrong.

It may simply mean you are no longer following a familiar response.

This is particularly relevant when a habit is maintained by immediate relief. Avoiding a task can make you feel better now, even though it creates more difficulty later. Choosing to face the task means accepting some discomfort in return for a more useful outcome.

The important distinction is between discomfort that accompanies constructive change and distress that signals a need for additional support. You do not need to force yourself through every difficulty, particularly where the habit involves addiction, significant compulsive behaviour or other problems that may require professional help.

For everyday habits, however, it helps to stop treating every uncomfortable moment as a reason to retreat.

You are practising a different response. It will not always feel natural immediately.

What happens when you slip back into the old habit?

At some point, you will probably repeat the behaviour you are trying to change.

You will check your phone when you intended to concentrate. You will lose your temper. You will put something off until tomorrow, despite having promised yourself that you would deal with it today.

What happens next matters.

One response is to treat the lapse as proof that you have failed. You might decide that you lack discipline, that the new approach does not work or that there is little point continuing.

Another is to examine what happened. Was the trigger stronger than expected? Was your alternative response unrealistic? Were you tired, distracted or under unusual pressure? Did you simply forget to use the technique you had practised?

The answers can help you adjust your approach.

A lapse is information. It is not necessarily evidence that the whole attempt has failed.

This is also why it helps to judge progress over time rather than by whether you have achieved a perfect record. If you once reacted badly every time you were criticised and now manage to pause on some occasions, that is a meaningful change. The next step is to understand what helped you respond differently and how to make that response more consistent.

The objective is not to become incapable of making mistakes. That would be an ambitious project for any of us. It is to become better at recognising old patterns and returning to the behaviour you actually want.

A practical way to start breaking an unhelpful habit

Choose one habit. Not five, not an entire personality overhaul. One behaviour that has a noticeable effect on your life.

For the next week, observe when it occurs and what tends to trigger it. Identify what you gain from the behaviour in the short term, and what it costs you over time.

Then decide on a specific alternative. Make it small enough to use in the real situation, and link it to a clear trigger.

If you want to stop reacting immediately to criticism, for instance, your first target might simply be to pause and ask one question before responding. You do not need to become serenely unbothered by every opinion expressed in your direction.

Practise the alternative when the opportunity arises. If you slip, examine what happened and try again. If the behaviour persists, reconsider whether you have identified the right trigger or whether the problem needs a different approach.

You are trying to establish a new pattern through repeated practice, not win an argument with yourself through sheer force of personality.

Changing habits starts with understanding behaviour

Breaking an unhelpful habit is rarely as simple as deciding that you no longer want to do it.

Habits are influenced by repetition, environment, expectations, emotions and the consequences of our actions. Some are maintained because they are convenient. Others persist because they help us avoid discomfort, even when that relief comes at a longer-term cost.

Understanding those influences gives you something practical to work with.

My approach through Focus Mindset is to help people understand how their thinking, emotional responses and behaviour interact, particularly when familiar patterns interfere with what they want to achieve. My background in business, sports coaching and high-pressure environments has taught me that knowing what you should do is not always enough to ensure you do it when it matters.

The useful question is not simply, Why can't I stop doing this?

It is, What keeps this behaviour going, and what can I do differently when the situation arises?

That question moves you away from blaming yourself and towards identifying something you can actually change.

You do not have to change everything about yourself. You need to understand the pattern, practise a different response and give that response time to become familiar.

Scientific references

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C.H.M., Potts, H.W.W. and Wardle, J. (2010). ‘How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world’. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998–1009. Read the paper.

Wood, W. and Rünger, D. (2016). ‘Psychology of Habit’. Annual Review of Psychology, 67, 289–314. Read the paper.

Gollwitzer, P.M. (1999). ‘Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans’. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493–503. Read the paper.

Wood, W. and Neal, D.T. (2007). ‘A new look at habits and the habit-goal interface’. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843–863. Read the paper.

These papers provide a basis for understanding habit formation, automatic behaviour and the use of specific plans to support change. They do not suggest that every habit can be changed in the same way, or that a simple technique is sufficient for more serious or persistent problems.

About the Author:

I’m a clinical hypnotherapist and mindfulness teacher, helping people deal with issues such as stress, anxiety, self-doubt, confidence, focus, sleep and unhelpful habits in everyday life, business and sport. My approach combines professional training with practical experience in business, sports coaching and high-pressure environments. Based just outside Burton upon Trent, I work with clients throughout the UK through online one-to-one sessions. If something here strikes a chord with you, feel free to get in touch for an informal chat about how I might help.

Tony@focusmindset.co.uk